Influenced by my parents who were/are lifetime readers/writers, I always wanted to write, didn't really matter in what form - a book, diary, article in a magazine, etc. Here on fb I find "notes" that seem to be something close to a blog, and I find time at hand, so I decided to give it a try...and write. Obviously, English isn't my first language, so my grammar, vocabulary and the little rules in written language may stink, but I think I can manage to express my thoughts, so here I go.
평생 글을 읽고쓰신 부모님의 영향으로 난 항상 글을 쓰고 싶어했다. 어떤 형식이던 상관 없었다 - 책, 일기, 잡지에 낼 짧은 글 등등...여기 페이스북에 "노트"라는, 블로그 비스무래한 것이 있는걸 발견한데다, 요즘 뎀비는게 시간이라 모처럼 마음잡고 앉아 글을 써보기로 했다. 맞춤법, 띄어쓰기도 엉망이겠지만, 그래도 대략 의미전달에는 문제가 없으리라 믿어본다.
When I didn't have time to sit down and write, I always thought I was going to write about conducting when I do find time. Even though it became clear to me that, the more I thought I knew about conducting, the longer the list of "things I didn't know that I didn't know" grew, I really wanted to write about the little fascinating things I was learning about the art of conducting. However, here I would like to make a little remembrance note of my own story that happened to me a year ago and will have a strong impact on my life and music for the rest of my life.
글을 쓸 시간이 없이 바쁘게 지내던 때에는, 언젠가 글을 쓰면 지휘에 대해 쓰리라 생각하고 있었다. 조금씩 알면 알 수록, 공부를 하면 할 수록 모르는게 이렇게 많다는 사실을 새삼 느끼면서도 조금씩 깨우쳐가던 지휘라는 행위에 대해 정말정말 쓰고 싶었다, 나 자신을 위해서라도. 그러나 지금 여기에는 일년 전에 있었던, 내 인생과 음악 전반에 지대한 영향을 줄 큰 사건에 대해 써보기로 했다.
....
It was my first semester, working on a doctorate, at Eastman. A great place to be, full of great people, musicians, inspirations, motivations, and reasons to hate music theory more than ever before. (understatement) I had never lived by myself ever before I went there, I had to be away from my family temporarily, and had missed my family very much. However, I was doing OK, and was learning very important things from my teacher, who treated me as a family member. (You know, conductors get along pretty well with each other, because no one else would get along with them...) In fact, I was having a great time.
이스트만에서 박사를 시작한 첫 학기였다. 만나는 사람들 모두 나름 뛰어난 음악가들, 선생님들이었고, 강렬한 동기부여가 될만한 긍정적인 자극들도 많은 곳이었다. (음악이론을 "죽도록" 시키는건 싫었다) 난 그 때 까지 한 번도 혼자 살아본 적도 없었는 데다가, 멀리 두고 온 가족들이 보고 싶어서 괴로웠지만 그런대로 살아남고 있었다. 개인적으로는 쓸모없어 보이는 지휘라는 행위에 대해 아주 중요한 몇 가지들을 배우고 있었고, 선생님은 나를 가족 처럼 대해 주셨다. (보통 지휘자들끼리는 잘 논다, 다른 사람들이 잘 안놀아주므로)
It was around early October when I started having little dizziness attacks. My surroundings would start spinning around for a few minutes and I had to sit down or stand still holding on to something. Then it would go away...At the time I just thought it was because I wasn't eating right and not sleeping enough. Now that I think think about it, these little dizziness episodes were the signs...I should have taken them more seriously.But of course...I was young and reckless, stupid and ignorant. (Still am, of course)
대략 시월초경이었다. 가끔씩 너무 어지러워서 똑바로 서있지도 못하는 일들이 있었다. 한 5분에서 10분 정도 어지럽다가 곧 괜찮아지는 증상이었다. 그냥 잘 안먹고 잠을 잘 안자서 그런줄 알았다. 지금 생각해보면 사실 그 어지럼증들이 신호였다. 그 때 병원에 가서 자세히 살펴봤어야 했지만...난 어리석고 대책없었다. (지금도 물론 그렇다)
One day my wife who was teaching in South Dakota, called me and told me that she was in the emergency room after having a severe vertigo and throwing up all day. She was told by the doctor that it may have been some kind of virus that went into her ear, but she was OK after a bit of time. I think it was a few days later, that we spent a few days together in Aberdeen, SD, for a concert. The concert went well, I flew back to Rochester, my wife back home to SD.
싸우쓰다코다 주립대에서 가르치는 와이프가 어느 날 전화를 하더니 하루종일 어지럽고 토를 해서 응급실에 실려갔었다고 했다. 의사 말로는 귀속에 바이러스가 들어가서 그런거라고 했고, 몇 일 후에 괜찮아졌다고 했다. 몇일후, 연주가 있어서 애버딘이라는 곳에 와이프랑 같이 몇 일 있었다. 난 연주, 와이프는 출장. 연주는 무사히 끝나고 난 로체스터로, 와이프는 집으로 돌아갔다.
It was a Monday. There was a concert scheduled for that evening for Philharmonia. (student orchestra for graduate students/junior/seniors) An all-Strauss concert, Don Juan, Till Eulenspiegel, and the Burleske, conducted by my teacher. I was sitting in a rehearsal of ESSO (Eastman School Symphony Orchestra, mainly freshmen and sophomores) whose rehearsals were normally scheduled right before Philharmonia's. During the first hour of the rehearsal, the orchestra's main librarian ran into the hall and was walking towards where I was sitting. She whispered into my ears that the Maestro's mother-in-law had passed away a few minutes ago. In fact, the Maestro had called me the night before, telling me that there might be an emergency situation, and to prepare the Strauss scores as much as I could. Honestly, I just thought the Maestro was being extra careful which he should be, and there was very little chance something might actually happen. In addition, it was the night before...I couldn't have done anything to learn the three pieces over night anyway. Unfortunately...(or fortunately) I already had studied the scores before, except the Burleske which was seldom performed. The Burleske was a blur in my mind.
어늘 월요일이었다. 그 날은 큰 오케스트라 연주가 있는 날이었다. 선생님 지휘, all-Strauss 연주였다. 난 사실 별일 없는 날이었고, 연주야 가서 구경만 하면 되는거라, 면도도 안하고 쭐래쭐래 학교에 갔었다. 학부 오케스트라 리허설을 보고 있는데 (학부오케스트라 2시간 리허설 후 바로 큰 오케스트라 리허설 2시간) 악보계 아줌마가 홀에 들어오더니 내 쪽으로 왔다. 귓말로 지휘자 선생님의 장모님이 몇분전에 돌아가셨다고 했다. 눈 앞이 캄캄해졌다. 실은 전날 밤에 선생님이 전화를 해서 내일 혹시 뭔일이 있을지 모르니 할 수 있는 만큼 준비를 해놓으라고 했었다. 솔직히, 정말 만에 하나로 그러시는거고, 별 일 없을 것이라 생각했다. 어차피 하루밤 사이에 뭔 준비가 된단 말인가. 불행인지 다행인지 예전에 공부했던 곡들이긴 했다...한 곡 빼고는. Burleske라는 곡은 사실 잘 몰랐다...
As I was wondering what in the world would the Maestro's reaction would be when he hears the news, the orchestra members were getting out of the hall for a break. The Maestro looked at me as he was walking off the podium and said "I will be fine tonight, don't worry, thanks for being alert". As the librarian walked up to him and told him the news, he almost fell on his knees, grabbed a railing on the side of the hall, looked at me and said "Can you do it?".
How do you possibly say no?
잠시 휴식 시간을 위해 지휘단에서 내려오시면서 나를 향해 "나 괜찮을 것 같다, 준비 해 줘서 고맙다" 하셨다. 하지만 악보계 아줌마가 소식을 전하자 거의 쓰러질 뻔 하면서 난 쳐다보고 물으셨다 "네가 오늘 밤에 해줄 수 있지?"
어떻게 감히 거절하겠는가?
I couldn't. At the time, it didn't matter how I felt about myself being ready or not. I just said "Don't worry about here". He told me to do the dress rehearsal which was to follow in a few minutes, then ran off to his car. It took me a few seconds to gather myself, when the librarian asked me "you have your tuxes with you, right?".
거절할 수 없었다. 내가 준비가 되었는지 안되었는지는 생각할 수도 없었다. 그저 "여기 걱정은 마세요" 했다. 잠시 후에 있을 드레스 리허설을 내게 맡기고, 선생님은 차로 뛰어가셨다. 멍하니 있는 나에게 악보계 아줌마가 "너 연주복은 있지?"
I had everything but my tuxedo pants...I had left them in a hotel room after the concert in Aberdeen the week before. Right after the dress rehearsal (it was a rehearsal for me, honestly, never had conducted any of the three pieces before), I had to call a bunch of friends and ask them to bring their tuxedo pants to see if it any would fit. Luckily I was able to borrow a pair of pants from a friend, I remember spending those few hours worrying about Strauss' music and a pair of pants...
다른 건 다 있었는데 연주복 바지가 없었다...전번 와이프랑 있었던 애버딘 연주 때 호텔 방에다 두고 온것이었다...리허설 끝나자마자 여기저기 친구들 바지를 입어보고 간신히 맞는 싸이즈를 찾았다. 연주 몇 시간 전 음악보다는 바지 걱정하기는 그 때가 처음이었다. (그리고 마지막이기를...)
No one shot me or threw tomatoes at me during or after the concert...the orchestra members were brilliant, we were all happy, celebrated a good day's work and went home.
연주는 무사히 끝났다. 아무도 나를 총으로 쏘지도, 뭔가를 던지지도 않았다. 오케스트라 단원들은 너무 잘했고, 모두들 해피하게 한 잔 하고 집에 갔다.
The next morning, Tuesday, I could not get out of bed, threw up all day with severe vertigo. Wednesday, I barely was able to get to the University Health Service. They gave me a can of soda and a prescription for a sea sickness medicine. I guess it did not look serious to them...they sent me home.
다음날 화요일 아침, 난 일어날 수가 없었다. 하루종일 방이 팽팽 눈 앞을 돌고, 하루종일 토하느라 바닥을 기어다녔다. 다음날 간신히 학교 병원에 갔지만 대수롭지 않게 여겼는지 간단한 처방만 해주고 집에 보냈다.
Thursday, I was fine...went to school and even taught my conducting class. Until then, I thought my wife had given me the same virus that made her sick.
목요일, 멀쩡했다. 학교에가서 지휘법 수업도 했다. 와이프가 나에게 바이러스를 준 줄 알았다.
Friday morning, I had a serious stroke. Hospitalized for 7 weeks. It turned out that I had a small incision inside my vertebral artery and the blood clotted around it, caused a blockage. one of the doctors suggested that the incision may have happened when I was conducting, a violent jerking of the head/neck could cause it...In other words, it was more of an accident, not a matter of high cholesterol or blood pressure.
금요일 아침, 뇌경색이 왔다. 7주 동안 입원했었다. 알고보니 오른쪽 목뒤 대동맥 안에 작은 상처가 났고, 상터가 난 주위로 피가 굳으면서 혈류를 막은 것이었다. 의사들 중 한명의 의견으로는 지휘를 하다가 목을 격렬하게 움직여서 그런 상처가 난 것일거라고 했다. 말하자면 콜레스테롤이나 고혈압에 의한 병이라기 보다는 일종의 사고라는 것이었다.
When I was young, my mother once told me a story about a family of three, a dad, older brother and a younger brother. When dad passed away from an accident all of a sudden, the older brother thought to himself "Alas, now no one is going to support me and my brother...the world has ended!" and started drinking everyday. The younger brother, however, thought "Now I have to rise to the occasion and support my brother and myself the best I can" and he was working during the day, studying during the night.
어렸을 때 우리 어머니가 해준 이야기가 있다. 옛날에 형이랑 아우랑 아버지랑 셋이서 살다가 아버지가 사고로 돌아가셨는데 형제 중에 형은 "이제 아버지가 가셨으니 세상은 끝이구나, 우리를 누가 먹여 살릴꼬" 이러면서 맨날 술만 마셨다. 동생은 "이제 아버지가 가셨으니 형과 나는 내가 일해서 책임져야겠구나" 하고 주경야독하더라는 얘기였다.
The stroke itself does not mean anything, until I define what it means to me, and "give" it a meaning. I will stay strong, stay determined to be able to make music again, just like in this video (link below) from a year ago. I will stay positive and hopeful and overcome this trial life has handed me. Together with my beloved family.
뇌경색 그 자체는 아무런 의미가 없다. 내가 그것에 무슨 의미를 부여하느냐에 달린 것이다. 난 삶이 내게 내린 이 역경을 뚫고 지나갈거다. 다시 똑바로 일어나고 걸어서 음악을 할꺼다. 밑에 있는 일년 전 바로 그 날의 저 연주회처럼, 난 꼭 다시 음악을 하고 살거다. 사랑하는 내 가족과 함께.
On my beloved wife's xxth birthday,
사랑하는 내 아내의 xx번째 생일에,
Jungho
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